Jokes and Comedy

My brother James is an aspiring comedian and we sometimes bounce jokes off each other. I always say I need to write some of these things down so here are two that I wrote.


I get emails all the time for the mail enhancement things, you know you see the commercial on TV with the guy smiling. There are alot of guys out there that think that this will get them more ass. In actuality, if you haven't been getting ass, all it will do is give you more to masturbate with.



Alot of you guys married? When you get married does the women always make the bridal registry list. When I get married I'm going to do the list myself.
It will look like this:

Cell phone bill, Car payment, Wedding Tab.
Then people won't have to worry what to get.

I was out with my friend drinking one night in a NY Bar. We were both throwing them down when my friend had the need to take a dump in a bar. Now I don't care how much my stomach is bothering me. I'm not going to sit on a toilet at a bar. So he slams his beer down and runs into the bathroom. After a While I don't see him so I go in to investigate. There he was sitting down in horrible pain. I ask him "What the hell happened?" He said, " I was sitting her and decided to do a courtesy flush" For those who don't know, a courtesy flush is when your sitting down and you flush because someone else is in the bathroom with you, but your not done. So he continues, "I reach for the handle and when I pressed it down, something reached up and grabbed my balls." I couldn't help but laugh my ass off. I stared to mess with him because I knew he was drunk so I said "Well show me." So he does it again, he reaches for the handle and something reaches up and squeezes his balls, he begins to groin. He looks up in pain and says, "See?"
I look over to him trying to stop laughing and said" idiot, you sitting on a Mop bucket."

I fly alot for work and always wonder where the black box is on a plain, because if there was a crash, that is the 1st thing they look for, not the pilot, not the people in the crash. They look for the black box, which apparently, doesn't get destroyed. So I'm thinking why hasn't anyone built the black box plain, you can crash it and walk out with out a scratch. But they only have this one black box. If I was in a situation where the plain is going down, I will get up and strap my ass to the black box. I may not make it, but they will find me 1st.