More Stupid Office Stuff

Because the world is full of stupid people and funny things, you can always find something funny to watch. The holidays are almost here and I can't wait! Enjoy.

Conference Call

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Work Prank
Just to let you know it keeps going to clip after clip so if you are bored you can watch other clips that show up randomly.

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Office Ninja
That's why we lose things at the office

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Bad Singing

Today's topic is singing, or lack there of. I thought about this yesterday when a co-worker paged me on the speaker phone trying to find out who sung a certain song and started singing the chorus, Badly. So bad I got up from my desk to have her stop singing. Have you ever encountered people who can't sing but think they can? American Idol has been full of them and it's the only part of the show I care to watch. The following are dedicated to bad singing. I also found a cool Lumbergh sound board to play all his lines.

Crappy Office Singing

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The Annoying Song

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The Potato Song (Lord of the Rings Addition)

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The Bill Lumbergh Sound Board
(Call your friends and Talk all day)

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100 Grand Remix

I just love the internet, This morning I posted the 100 Grand Radio clip and guess what?!? I found this site that Animated the clip! Life is good sometimes.

Check the clip out. Go to the page and Hit "Watch this Movie!" The Charactors on the clip are Opie and Anthony, they had a radio show that was syndicated but got kicked off the air. They are now on XM Radio. The bald guy is Jim Norton.


100 GRAND REMIX!!

Weird News Because People Are Weird!

Proof that true stories are weirder than made-up stories.


Story #1 (Dedicated to a Disgusting Girl)

Gerardo Flores, 19, was convicted of murder in June in Lufkin, Texas, in the death of the 5-month-old fetus of his girlfriend, Erica Basoria. Flores admitted that he had stood on Basoria's stomach several times at her request to induce a miscarriage, but Basoria had told authorities that she had also punched herself in the stomach several times. Under Texas law, killing a fetus is a capital offense, and so Flores automatically received a life sentence, but Basoria could not be charged because of her constitutional right to abortion.

Story #2 (WTF??)

In May, a 1,500-pound camel named Poon, roaming around his home at the Mayle Farm in Shinnston, W.Va., decided to sit down on top of a woman who was painting a fence. No one could hear her muffled screams, but she managed to call 911 on her cell phone, and help arrived just as Poon had begun to bite her.

Story #3 (More Proof people have nothing better to do)

In March, The Australian newspaper identified an upswing in the business of some beauticians who have responded to customers' desires to lighten the skin around their anuses. A beautician in Sydney said she had long been helping sex workers for that condition but that lately the clients are civilians trying to please boyfriends who are taken by how "clean and light" porno actresses seem. Said another beautician of the ingredient she uses, "I explain that it will give them eczema and (other problems), but they want it anyway."

Story #4 (Just Dumb)

MUSKEGON HEIGHTS, Mich. — A suspected shoplifter was found when, after dropping her purse at the scene of a crime, she called police to claim her bag. The woman allegedly set off an anti-theft alarm as she fled a Family Dollar store. She dropped her purse in a parking lot while being chased. When she went to the police station to retrieve her lost purse, she was promptly arrested.

Story #5 (Just Nasty)

KIEV, Ukraine — A Ukrainian candy company has begun marketing what may be the stickiest, richest and most fattening treat on the market: pure pork fat covered in chocolate. Cracking open a finger-sized stick of ''Fat in Chocolate'' reveals exactly that: a vein of white fat. The dark chocolate product pokes fun at the traditional Ukrainian snack of salo, or salted pork fat, usually consumed with vodka and pickles.


Story #6 (Classic)

100 Grand Contest (The Original Contest)

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Lexington, Ky. --

A woman who won a radio contest that promised the winner "100 grand" sued after the station gave her a candy bar — a Nestle's 100 Grand — instead of $100,000.


Norreasha Gill filed a complaint Wednesday in Fayette District Court against Atlanta-based Cumulus Media, which owns WLTO-FM in Lexington. Gill, 28, says the station and its parent company breached a contract to pay $100,000 to the contest winner.


Night host DJ Slick sponsored the station's contest to "win 100 grand," Gill said in the lawsuit. Gill won by listening to the radio show for several hours and being the 10th caller at a specified time.


She went to the radio station the next morning to pick up her prize, but was asked to return later. When she got home, she found that the station manager had left a message explaining she had won a 100 Grand candy bar, not money.


Later, he offered her $5,000, Gill said.


"I said I wanted $95,000 more," she said. "Nobody would watch and listen for two hours for a candy bar."


DJ Slick did not return an e-mail from the Herald-Leader, but he said on his Web site that he had left his job. WLTO and Cumulus declined to comment, identify DJ Slick by his given name or say whether he was fired.


Experts said the radio station could face action by the Federal Communications Commission, which licenses radio stations.


FCC regulations say contest descriptions can't be false or deceptive and that stations must conduct contests as advertised. Stations in two other states have been fined for contests that told listeners they'd won cash prizes without specifying they were in the Italian or Turkish lira, not the U.S. dollar.


Before her family went to sleep that night, Gill says, she promised her children — ages 1, 5 and 11 — that they'd have a minivan, a shopping spree, a savings account and a home with a back yard.


"What hurts me is they were going to get me in front of my children, all dressed up, and hand me a candy bar, after all those promises I made to them," she told the Lexington Herald-Leader. "You just don't do that to people."


A prank in Florida led to a similar lawsuit that was settled in 2002. A former waitress claimed Hooters promised to award her a new Toyota car — but instead gave her a toy Yoda.

Movie Quotes

On Tuesday I was watching the 100 greatest movie quotes inbetween watching the NBA Finals. It was a great show as it showed movies I haven't seen in years or that I forgot how great a movie it was. I haven't seen any great movies recently. One of the things I have noticed is that there hasn't been a movie lately that I love the script, in that I mean the dialog. The last movie I thought had great lines was Training Day. Here is a list of lines from Fight Club, Pulp Fiction, Empire Records, Usual Suspects and Training Day. Let me know what other movies had good lines or that you liked. Yeah I didn't list office space, I've already had a few post on that movie.

Fight CLub Quotes:

Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.

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God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

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Its not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything

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A condom is the glass slipper for our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.

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Pulp Fiction Quotes:(Tempted to list the whole script)

It ain't no fuckin' ballpark either. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her holyiest of holies, ain't the same ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Foot massages don't mean shit.

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You feel that sting, big boy, huh? That's pride FUCKIN' with you! You gotta fight through that shit!

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What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What? Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time.
Does He look like a bitch? So why did you try to fuck him like a bitch.
You tried to fuck him. And Marcellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.

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That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

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I've never does this before either,and I ain't starting now. You brought 'er here, that means you give her the shot. The day I bring an O.D.ing bitch to your place, then I gotta give her the shot.

I gotta stab her three times?
No, you don't gotta fucking stab her three times! You gotta stab her once, but it's gotta be hard enough to break through her breastplate into her heart, and then once you do that, you press down on the plunger.
What happens after that?
I'm kinda curious about that myself

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Now let me ask you a question, Jules. When you drove in here, did you notice a sign out front that said, "Dead nigger storage?"
-answer to question. Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said, "Dead nigger storage?"
Naw man, I didn't.
You know why you didn't see that sign?
Why?
'Cause storin' dead niggers ain't my fuckin' business!

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You ain't got no problems, Jules. I'm on the motherfucker. Go back in there, chill them niggers out and wait for The Wolf, who should be comin' directly.
You sendin' The Wolf?
Feel better?
Shit Negro, that's all you had to say.

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I will never forgive your ass for this shit. This is some fucked-up repugnant shit!
Did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits he's wrong, he's immediately forgiven for all wrong-doings?
Man, get outta my face with that shit! The motherfucker who said that never had to pick up itty- bitty pieces of skull with his fingers on account of your dumb ass.
I got a threshold, Jules. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And you're crossin' it. I'm a race car and you got me in the red. Redline 7000, that's where you are. Just know, it's fuckin' dangerous to be drivin' a race car when it's in the red. It could blow.
You're gettin' ready to blow? I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch brain I'm "SUPERFLY T.N.T," I'm the "GUNS OF NAVARONE." I'm what Jimmie Walker usta talk about. In fact, what the fuck am I doin' in the back? You're the motherfucker should be on brain detail. We're tradin'. I'm washin' windows and you're pickin' up this nigger's skull.

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Empire Records

Well, Sinead O'Rebellion. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior.
You are so clever. I swear to God, you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets.
Oh now, Debra, don't be bitter, surely with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new neo-nazi boot camp makeover the boys will come a-runnin'.

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Why don't you take these CD's and shove them up your ass?
Because it would hurt a lot, Warren.

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The fat man walks alone.

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Usual Suspects

Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I'm in a police station.

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Gee, thanks, Dave. Bang-up job so far. Extortion, coercion. You'll pardon me if I ask you to kiss my pucker. The same fuckers that rounded us up and sank us into this mess are telling me They'll bail me out? Fuck you. You think you can catch Keyser Soze? You think a guy like that comes this close to getting fingered and sticks his head out? If he comes up for anything, it will be to get rid of me. After that, my guess is you'll never hear from him again.

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The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

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You know what happens if you do another turn in the joint?
Fuck your father in the shower and then have a snack?

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Training Day
You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home?

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They got room for you at the booty house, you ever been to the booty house. Big boys have you grab you ankles...
Suck my dick, bitch. I know people.
That's how it starts.

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To protect the sheep you gotta catch the wolf, and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.

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You think you can do this to me? You motherfuckers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you. Shoe program, nigga. 23 hour lockdown. I'm the man up in this piece. You'll never see the light of... who the fuck do you think you're fucking with? I'm the police, I run shit around here. You just live here. Yeah, that's right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away... 'cause I'm gonna' burn this motherfucker down. King Kong ain't got shit on me.

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[referring to his shotgun]
You *know* I'm surgical with this bitch, Jake. How do you want it, dog? Closed casket? Remember that fool in the wheelchair? How do you think he got there?

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You got a dick. You do have a dick, don't you? Okay, the dick lines up straight like that right? To the right of it and to the left of it are pockets, right? In those pockets are money. Look in either one of 'em, pay the bill.

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Yeah. You gotta control your smiles and cries, because that's all you have and nobody can take that away from you.

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Another Day At The Office

Here's to another day at the office. How much work did I do today? About 10 minutes worth and it's almost lunch time. Not to mention I came in 30 min late (Called ahead). It's good to know that during busy times when they have my ass flying halfway across the country 3 times a week putting in 100 hour weeks that I can sit back during the summer and waste time. There is probably 3 weeks of down time before I'm working late nights and bitchen about Coffin Breath's stupid projects that will never get approved in the 1st place. I wish they would make an office space 2. That would be great. They can have new characters, well maybe they can bring back Milton. It would be great, We can get Courtney Love to play MadMan's disgusting Girl he works with. We can get Lumbergh to make a guest appearance. I wonder if I can take a nap under my desk like Costanza? Nah, My cube is to much in view. Well here's to the office. Enjoy the clips and hope everyone's day is less busy then my day is.


Office Party (Dedicated to MadMan's Disgusting Girl He Works With

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Office Hurdles

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Bad Day at the office

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Almost Officially Summer

Well boys and girls, it's almost officially summer and June has gone by rather quick. Before you know it, your summer is over and your thinking to yourself, "Damn, where did the summer go? I didn't even get to go anywhere." Think now what you want to accomplish over the hot days to come because you only have a short window before your looking at the calendar and thinking how you already have to start shopping for Christmas. It's funny how every year Christmas starts earlier and earlier. There was Christmas stuff out before Halloween last year and Thanksgiving was not really talked about like it has been. Soon it will be Christmas all year round. So this weekend was interesting, Hung out, went to the clubs, watched a little of the NBA finals. I really don't care who wins but I can't stand Robert Horry. Here is a guy who plays one game every so often and people jump all over his shit. What else happened over the weekend? It was fathers day yesterday, the 1st fathers day with out my dad. It was a little hard to believe. I lit a candle for him and my brother. What else? Didn't go to see Batman, will wait for the video. Yankees swept the cubs and oh yeah, Tom and Katie are plastered every where. Now do I think they are a real couple? Maybe. I'm not big on celebrity crap but the whole Eiffel Tower proposal right before Batman and War of the Worlds open seems a little staged to me. It will last until Tom does a movie with Linsey Lohan or Hillary Duff and then he will start a new romance. That's Hollywood for you.

Its funny what crap you find online tribute to Tom and Katie.
Tom and Katie Candy Shop

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Kissing Ass

Today's Topic is ass kissing. I have a special approach. I prefer the one knee approach so that the booty is right in your face and you have both hands to grab it. This topic is due to the fact that Coffin Breath pisses everyone here in the office off. He does shit backwards and gets pissed if you don't agree with him, so most of the time we yes him to death and then do what things our way behind his back. Coffin breath is usually out of control and he adds stuff to a proposal that the client usually says "Hell No". Now we've already told him 10 times the client will not spend money on his bullshit idea but he doesn't listen so I'm forced along with other people in this office to create this whole idea so he can present it to the client. Here's an example. One year he told the client we were going to do this Army training camp tour and we had a group to do it and stuff. Well Coffin Breath fail to inform the rest of us and also failed to think if it could really be done. So I sit in the conference room and while on the conference call with the client, they ask about Group B, the company Coffin Breath said was going to do the tour (Pure Bullshit) So I sit there with my thumb up my ass because I have no clue what the hell they are taking about. Coffin Breath mutes the phone and says, "Just play along, I'll explain after the call" ASSHOLE! It's ok for him to bullshit and manipulate his clients but don't drag me into it. I don't like bullshitting clients nor do I like Coffin Breaths' ideas. To make a long story short, after the call I had to find a group somewhere in this country who could do this, make this huge proposal and presented to the clients for them to say "It's too much money, we'll just do media." The project would cost $150,000. FUCK! I hate Coffin Breath. I spent 3 weeks putting together a project that was never going to happen. and he does this all the fucken time. Right now I'm working on one of these bullshit, not going to happen projects which pisses me off because Coffin Breath will say shit like "Guys I need this out the door today" and next thing I know he's hanging out at the U.S. Open. The stuff he needs out the door will not be used until Tuesday. What an ass. We are in the middle of our weekly Coffin Breath bashing. It's really fun as he's not in the office to bother anyone. Hope everyone has a great Friday and enjoys the weekend. It's 9am and I need a beer.

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%



Play The Suck Up Game!

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Smack My Bitch Up!

Just like Prodigy says. It's a great song and can always get you pumped up. Todays theme is Smacking. Do you ever wish you could just smack the shit out of someone? Or have you? I saw the clip I posted here and thought about if you could just smack anyone at anytime how good it may feel. Your boss, the idiot holding up traffic, the cop who pulled you over, just anyone who needs to be smacked. Of course if that was true, you would get your ass smack just as well. But watch the clips play the games and think about the next person you would smack. I miss listening to Hot 97.

Saw this this morning and thought it was great. Both Video's are different with Video #2 being my favorate.


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Click Image To Play Saddam Extreme Bitch Slap
This takes a little to load so be patient

The Verdict

Ok, I find it funny that noone that I know watches the Michael Jackson Trial but yesterday it was everywhere. People at work had the TV on or their computer on CNN. I didn't care less as I thought he would get off (from the conviction that is). It was the only thing you can hear. The funniest thing I heard was after they read the verdict and found him innocent the radio played "I'm bad." Every hip hop station brought out all the songs last night. So that means he will make a lot of money. The stupidest thing I saw yesterday was the woman releasing doves after every count that was not guilty. What the hell was that about? Did anyone else see anything strange or has a comment about what went down, drop a line.

Michael waves to the prosecution as he leave the court house.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

It's Monday and for once I was looking forward to coming to work, chatting with my coworkers about the weekend, getting shit from DWhite about the Yankees as I give him shit back about the Pistons and just rolling up my sleeves and getting work done. The last week or so I've been on cruise control but now I got some of the stuff back from people I've been waiting for and I can start rolling with my proposals, ordering banners and premium items and getting other stuff done. My mood started on Friday when I worked on disputing things on my credit report then when I left work, I got a bunch of errands done which always feels good when you get stuff accomplished. I played 5 games of soccer yesterday. That's 5 hours straight and I felt a sense of achievement that I was able to push myself that hard. I think this week will be a very productive one. Lets Hope.

I saw this clip a long time ago and recently found it again. It still is funny as hell.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

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Friday How I Love Thee

Friday is here and I'm so happy it's here. My company is now on a summer schedule which means I get off on Fridays at 1pm! We don't get a lunch but hey, it gives me just enough time to read my emails, Blog and surf eBay. By the time I get done it's the weekend! Hope everyone else is having a good Friday and that you have a good weekend. Here's a funny cartoon.

Black People Love Us!

Ok, this is the funniest shit I've seen and since I just came back from the dentist and I'm sore, I needed something to laugh about. I work in Black College sports so it's even funnier! Send it to all your Black friends. (Ok you can send it to your White, Hispanic and Asian buddies as well)

Black People Love Us!

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Sweepstakes Hound

Lately I've been on this sweepstakes kick, trying to win money, cars, trips or anything I can sell on ebay. So far no luck. No wait I won a NFL Hat from Fed Ex a few months ago. But as for the good stuff, I've had no luck. Here are a list of sites I like to go to, let me know if there are any sites you go to that are good. And if you win I get 10%.


Online-Sweeps


Email Lotto


Web Stakes


Sweeps Advantage

Family

Me and My Niece Emory


Me and My Niece Riley

This weekend I spent time with family. Not that I don't spend any time with them but this weekend I did alot with my family. The 1st picture is of me and Emory. Emory is a very happy baby and is almost 4 months old. She is very smart at her age and can walk with a little help. The other picture is of me and Riley. Riley is 8 now and talks a mile a minute. I took her bowling and to play games to win tickets.

Later on that night I started thinking about what it would be like to have my own family. I don't have any kids yet and I've never been married but I try to think about what it would be like to be a father and raise a family. At this time in my life it just isn't possible and I thank god that I haven't been forced into the situation by having a kid early and having to deal with the situation. I still don't think I'm ready. It would mean scheduling my whole life around a child which at this moment in time I'm not prepared for. I have 2 cats and I treat them like kids but unlike a real child, I can leave them with a big bowl of food and water when I want to go away for the weekend.

I think I will be able to have kids by the time I'm 35 or so. Hopefully by then I'll have my shit in order.

49ers Blunder

I'm not sure if everyone heard about the PR video the 49ers made for the rookies that people got pissed about. It made fun of the mayor, Asian people and Gays. If only for shit's and giggles, you should check it out and see what people are talking about. Don't you love the internet?


49er's Video

Wednesday Again!

It's Wednesday and it got here really fast this week. It helps to have Monday off. I didn't have anything to Blog the last few days so I thought it's time, plus I want to waste some time before lunch. My weekend was pretty non-eventful spent it relaxing and watching movies, sports and hanging out. Went down to Charlotte Speed Street for shits and giggles as it is so funny to see the people who roam this event. Great people watching. I saw plenty of inbreed children and big girls with belly shirts hanging there stomach out for all to see. With bleached out hair and people wearing racing jackets in 80 degree weather. You would be amazed at how long people will stand in line fore a stupid sample of something or a hat. Definitely the place to go if you want to raise your self esteem. They did have some good music though, there were 3 stages, two of which had music. I would be looking forward to the weekend but I payed all my bills (on time too) and so I have to find something cheap to do this weekend. Hope everone else week is going well.

I leave you with a funny cartoon. This is Monkey Looker. I'm in a wierd mood today.

MONKEY LOOKER

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